Disclaimer – The opinions, beliefs, viewpoints, and general bullshit spewed by the author of this article do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of Miskatonic Musings, its hosts, its guests, or even the author of this article.
I feel like it’s time for Miskatonic Musings to weigh in on a controversial issue that is dividing the internet sci-fi/fantasy fiction community.
As we all know, there’s a bit of a negative idea associated with a certain Award Statue. What this statue represents is loved deeply by many, while others find it to be a symbol of something oppressive, something hard to swallow, something a little bit gross. Some winners of this award may even find it “difficult to look at”, or feel the need to hide it before having friends and family visit. This award has become like a Cenobite: An angel to some, a demon to others. This week, the internet has been buzzing with the idea of replacing the statue with a different symbol of fictional fandom.
I, for one, have to strongly disagree. The statue stays! It’s not because of my love of what this award portrays, nor is it because of any hatred of those who feel offended by this award.
It’s because what this statue represents is too undeniably awesome to change.
My name is Charles Meyer, and I stand with the World Science Fiction Society in their choice to make the statue of The Hugo Award a massive, awkward robot dong.
Majestic, isn’t it? It’s everything you could ever want in a robocock. Smooth, long, no discernible human features. No balls! No one likes balls anyway, right? It’s an absolutely perfect specimen. Nothing to get snagged on, no messy cleanup, and a well-tapered shaft.
Look at the smiles on their faces. GRRM & The Hound know exactly what’s up. They just got a pair of metal wangs. How much you want to bet that they held them at crotch-level and jousted as soon as the cameras went away?
I understand why people want to change the statue. A phallus is not appropriate. People already look down at science fiction as being immature & childish, and this isn’t helping that perception. Some people just straight-up don’t like the penis as an entity. It represents centuries of phallocentrism. Maybe a flying saucer would be more appropriate? I don’t know. For me, this isn’t about politics. This isn’t about tradition.
This is about how much I love shiny, polished metal dick. The only thing more awesome that you could put on a robot than a dick is a second dick.
The Hugo that we know and love probably isn’t going anywhere any time soon. How can I be so confident in this? The World Science Fiction Society knows exactly what they’re putting out there. They know it’s a dick, and they’re trying to sneak it by the lamestream media. According to Hugo nominee Dan Harmon on his excellent podcast Harmontown (Starting around the 50 minute mark), part of the Hugo Award Ceremony Orientation is being told how to hold the award so as not to make it look like a dick in your hands.
Let that sink in.
Oh, as for the thing with people wanting to change the World Fantasy Award statue from H.P. Lovecraft to Octavia Butler (or Mary Shelley, a Palantir, or probably Moon Boy for all I know): Any one of those things would probably be very uncomfortable for someone to put inside of themselves, Howie included. Maybe get Piers Anthony to design a sleek dragon dick to be the new statue? Just brainstorming here.
Second Disclaimer – This article is a work of satire. The author of this article is in no way qualified to speak on issues of race, gender, discrimination, human emotion, or butt stuff. The author just really wanted to make some dick jokes. However, in the author’s opinion, y’all need to lighten up, both sides of the argument. People are being real mean to each other, and it is bumming me out. Yes, H.P. Lovecraft was a big racist dong, and that’s problematic for many people, particularly authors who get his big racist head as an award for writing good. Yes, they should probably change it to a statue of someone less polarizing, and yes, Butler or Shelley would be fine choices. No, it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t change, and it’s also not the end of the world if it does. No, the author doesn’t actually care what happens in the end. Again, the author just wanted to point out how much the Hugo looks like a dong. Things that aren’t dong jokes aren’t important. In the author’s opinion, things would be better for everyone if they could just accept that H.P. Lovecraft was kind of a shitty person in a lot of ways, gifted in others, and that it doesn’t make anyone a bad/good/mediocre person to love/hate/not care about his work. Just be good to each other, y’dig?